So this is just a realisation I had tonight at our worship team training night which made me realise that I need to spend some time with God trying to figure why I do certain things.
Here's what happened...
We had a worship team training night so all of the worship team (or those that were able to make it) came along and we spent some time just mingling and catching up with everyone, and then had a small meeting together and listened to some teaching by one of the seniors in our team and then we broke off into our separate parts. Band, singers and dancers. I went with the singers, because that's what I do.
Firstly, something that I've really only just thought about as I started writing this is during the time of mingling, I found myself just wandering, never really fully engaging in conversation. Almost like I wasn't there. Now, I don't feel left out or ignored, but I now find it strange that I don't engage more. Could there be something inside that is afraid? Could there be a spirit of fear? I can't say it's shyness because those that know me know that I am not shy. I can be shy around new people, but these were all people that have known me for most of the last 5 years. So why do I do that? Why do I find it easier to not engage? Why do I find it easier to just sit by myself or wander back and forth? I don't have answers, but I know that there must be an answer and only God can help me figure it out. It looks like I will be spending some time asking God about that one over the coming weeks.
Then secondly, when we broke off into our parts, myself with the singers, everything was going fine. We sang and learnt about dynamics. When our leader asked if anybody knew the song well that we were singing, I nodded my head and seemed to be one of the only ones in the room that knew it, so they asked me to start it off and lead everyone out. My immediate response, no thought taken, was... 'I can't sing on my own' which then resulted in lots of responses telling me I could and I had a lovely voice, and then I went bright red. So again I ask myself... Why do I do that? I knew I was capable of singing the song, and I know that all of the people in the room had heard me sing before, so why was I afraid. Not only that, I don't like all the attention being on me and reacting the way I did only caused more attention to be focused on me than necessary. The funniest thing is that there are times when it's me and my guitar and I've just sung no matter who is around, so I'm not afraid of singing in front of people so when I'm asked to what is it that makes me feel nervous suddenly and insecure? Again, this is definitely something I will have to speak to God about. It's not something I am going to fix myself without knowing what is making me do it.
Thankful for: Trust
My friend left me in her house for a while today cooking dinner while she did some errands. It doesn't seem like much but to leave someone alone in your house while you're not there shows a real trust. I am thankful that my friend trusts me, and not only that but I have complete trust in her. She has often borrowed my car or borrowed things of mine, and I trust her and know that I'll get things back the same way I got them. Imagine a world without trust for anyone, we'd probably never go out anywhere.
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